What I Learned on My Year-Long Maternity Leave
I had been thinking about writing a post on this for a while but my friend Crystal, of my fave design publication, Rue Magazine, asked me yesterday about my thoughts and it urged me to put pen to paper.
I want to start by saying how fortunate we are in Canada to be able to take 18 months off when we have a baby. This can be split between husband and wife, or just one person can take it. It is aptly called “parental leave” and you receive Employment Insurance payments from the government. It’s not necessarily enough to live on but it certainly helps while you are navigating this new addition to your life. I feel very lucky to have had the opportunity to even consider taking 12 months off, and am grateful that the Canadian government and employers are encouraging. I am also so grateful for a supporting husband and family that certainly helped immensely.
As much as I’d like to say maternity leave consisted of daily, long, peaceful walks and afternoon rosé (let’s be honest, a few days it did) there was a lot more to taking this time off than meets the eye. The first three felt very hard. Not only was I recovering from the most emotional and physical trauma of my life, but I wasn’t sleeping and I was learning how to take care of a newborn. While these three months were special, I don’t look back on them longingly. It was full on survival mode (no matter how fun it looked on Instagram). Nights were long, a lot of tears were shed, and truth be told I wanted to go back to work.
Everyone encouraged me to stick it out for another 3 months, so I did. I started sleeping a bit more and I met some incredible mom friends which turned out to be a game changer. My best friend had a baby the year before me and she was so supportive, so having a few more mom friends only made my experience that much brighter. There was someone to talk to in the middle of the day or try to get together with. We had such a common bond immediately because our babies were so similar in ages. New moms out there – FIND A MOM TRIBE. Talk to other moms at baby and me classes, drop in at your local community center…do ANYTHING!!!
6-12 months was a completely different experience for me. Liam was on a schedule that was manageable to get out of the house, and we did get to enjoy those daily peaceful walks through the park. I really started to enjoy my time off, and relish in it, knowing it wouldn’t last forever.
My time away from my career has taught me a few things.
How important it is to live in the present. Our children are only a certain age for a fleeting amount of time. While every day presents challenges it also presents opportunities to see things through their eyes. But also, it’s okay not to always see the beauty in it. It’s f*ing hard. It’s actually the hardest thing I’ve ever done and Liam is an incredibly good baby that sleeps through the night.
Your relationships will change. I’m very lucky to have amazing girlfriends (both with and without kids) but daily workout classes and leisurely coffees after? Not so much. Your time with your friends will change and hopefully others are ok with that. If not, they’ll come around once they have kids or maybe they’re not meant to be your friends in the first place. I was lucky that my relationships got better but it took work. The same goes for the relationship with your partner. I certainly relied more on my husband than ever before and that was hard as I’m so used to being independent. But remember, it doesn’t last forever.
Your career will be there when you get back. Again, we are very lucky here in Canada that your employer has to guarantee your role when you come back, but I think there are so many ways to look at taking time off. You may be a parent who wants to take a few years off until your kids are in school, and that’s ok. You will find a way to have a career when you are ready to work. It may take a bit of a hit but you will never regret the time you spend with your child.
Being a stay at home parent is HARD WORK. Don’t ever let anyone fool you, this is the biggest job in the world and moms are rockstars. I have serious respect for parents who choose to stay at home and manage their household and take care of kids.
Being anxious is normal. Everything in your life has changed. You are home alone most days with someone who doesn’t talk (let alone smile for the first few months). You sometimes don’t shower until after your kid goes to bed, and the simple act of cooking dinner gets exponentially challenging with a baby strapped to you and then running or crawling around.
ASK FOR HELP. We are not meant to do this alone. It took me a long time to start asking for help, but once I did my life changed. Take a minute to breath, ask your partner to hold the baby when they come home (or if you don’t have a partner, ask a friend, people want to be there for you).
It gets better. YES, annoying to hear but so so true. Every month is better than the last even if you are so happy already. Every step of a child’s journey is so tremendously special and it gets better and easier.
You will spend more time cleaning the floor than you ever thought possible. Spit up, food…so. much. floor. cleaning. I was obsessed with giving Liam food because I love to cook and early baby led weaning meant (and means) soooo much food cleanup.
I know 8 is a random number but that’s what I’ve learned. I hope this post has been helpful, and I’d love to know others’ experiences as well – did you get time off? How was going back to work?